When it Rains, It Porns

In addition to the myriad of issues that occur when using Viagra, scientists discovered this week that Viagra may also increase the risk of melanoma, the most dangerous type of skin cancer. Until recently, there were no known long-term effects of Viagra usage, until a study in JAMA Medicine showed this correlation. Other side effects of Viagra have included headaches, congestion, indigestion, dizziness, and the crippling reality that even your hard cock can't make her forget that you're an asshole. 

Oregon's same-sex marriage ban goes into court this week. Lawyers for the state wrote, "The ban on same-sex marriage serves no rational purpose and harms Oregon citizens." The ban was added in 2004, after Multnomah County issued marriage licenses to same-sex couples without receiving a vote first. Defenders of the ban on gay marriage in other parts of the country have often used the argument that "the government has an interest in promoting a safe and nurturing home for children." "Bull-shit," said America's children sitting in dirt, wearing orange peels for shoes.  

A petition was sent to the Indian Supreme Court this week to challenge India's most recent ban on gay sex. The ban was enacted in December of 2013, criminalizing homosexuality, with a punishment of life imprisonment. "Still beats working in a sweatshop," said India's homosexuals.  

A recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people who participate in BDSM are more likely to be "psychologically healthy" than those who only enjoy "vanilla sex." Researchers interviewed over 900 random test subjects, and found that those who engage in BDSM are more likely to be more satisfied and feel secure in their relationships, and more communicative of their needs. Vanilla sexers are more likely to be anxious, unsure in their relationships, and prefer chocolate. 

A French survey institute (IFOP) and an adult webcam site found that those who watch more porn tend to also have more sex. Ninety percent of men surveyed and 60 percent of women all admitted to watching porn regularly. Of those in couples, 53 percent said they watch porn as a couple, and 66 percent said they would, if their partners ever got off the damn computer and asked.  

Dicks and Pics

Brooklyn's "smallest penis contest" comes back for another round on June 14th. Contestants will be judged on "poise in both evening wear and bathing wear." This year's organizers have been requesting Miley Cyrus to judge the contest, as she's well known for her ability to shrivel up dicks.

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An Italian man faced a civil suit from a dozen of his condo neighbors this week after listening to him have loud sex. The 42-year-old was tried for "stalking," even though the tenants complained rather about loud sex, which "disturbed the peace in the condominium and the building's decorum." The judge sentenced the man to six months in jail, because no place teaches a person to have quiet sex more than prison.

In a recent study in the journal Computers in Human Behavior, nearly half of college-aged sexters polled in the study had lied about "what they were wearing, doing, or both." Nearly 70 percent had lied to fulfill a fantasy or pass the time, and far more women, 45 percent, lied in their sexts than men, at 24 percent. In Louisa County, a rural area in Virginia, a recent sext has sparked outrage amongst parents of teenagers and garnered national media attention. Now Louisa County high schools are bringing in (s)experts to talk to high school students about the dangers of sending naked pictures of yourself via text. "Tell me about it," said James Franco. 

According to another recent study, nearly one third of all moms say they've gone at least a few years without sex. Apparently moms and Doug, the 42-year-old paunch meat delivery guy, have more in common than we thought. 

This March in Sex

 Who needs coffee in the morning when you have penis? Fox affiliate in Denver KDVR accidentally aired a picture of a penis on early morning television, after a picture of Edward Scissorhands, then an omelette, quickly followed by the Space Needle. Needless to say, Skippy the lunch boy is no longer allowed to be head camera operator if he can't find a good place for his Instagram pics. 

During an interview on Fox News, analyst and ice cream flavor Andrew Napolitano told Megyn Kelly that part of the Affordable Care Act is that employers must "provide health care for [their employees] that include contraceptive services, which means contraception, euthanasia, and abortion." Fox Anchor Megyn Kelly did not protest, even though in reality, the act does not include euthanasia or abortion. 

Fred Phelps, head pastor for the Westboro Baptist Church, died on March 20th, at age 84. Phelps started the Westboro Baptist Church in 1955, which has been well known for its rallies against homosexuality, and picketing soldiers' funerals. A reporter for Huff Post, Joshua Kors, interviewed Phelps a few years ago, asking, "Have you thought about what will happen when you die?" And Phelps responded while chuckling, "I'm not planning on dying. The Lord himself should descend for me with the angels." The Lord has since responded while shaking his head, "Don't look at me."   

Jeanne Philips, aka "Dear Abby," veered from her usual safe responses to show a Tampa woman what's up. "Unhappy in Tampa" wrote: "My husband and I relocated to Florida a little over a year ago... Two couples in the neighborhood are gay. While they are nice enough, my husband and I did not include them when it was our turn to host [a social event] because we do not approve of their lifestyle choices. Since then, we have been excluded from neighborhood gatherings, and someone even suggested that we are bigots!"
"Abby" responded: "A person's sexual orientation isn't a 'lifestyle choice.' Gay people don't choose to be gay; they are born that way. From where I sit, you may have chosen the wrong place to live because it appears you would be happier in a less integrated neighborhood surrounded by people who think the way you do." Abby then continued on to shout "Booya" in her corner office, low-fiving Donald the intern as he passed by.

"Guy in Yoga Pants" came back for another round of YouTube high jinks. Yousef Saleh Erakat posted a sequel video entitled "Yoga Pants Prank 2!" this March. In the video, he and his female friend both wear yoga pants, while he obscures his face. His friend asks passersby "who has the better butt," which elicits a slew of lascivious comments from an assortment of charming gentlemen. As with the first video, guys are surprisingly drawn to Erakat's butt- but when finding out he's a male, they grow highly uncomfortable. This just goes to show you can't trust a butt by it's cover.