Legally Gay

On a fundraising visit in Los Angeles, Wendy Davis was greeted throughout the city by "abortion Barbie" signs, with her face on a giant cardboard mock-up of a Barbie box, with a fetus inside her stomach. The posters were paid for and commissioned by a rich Texan donor, Kathryn Stuard, who has given money to Davis' opponent, Greg Abbott. Mattell has since agreed to manufacture "Abortion Barbie," as well as "Sexist Douchebag Kens," equipped with two wife beaters, a copy of the New Testament, and a tiny cock.

As of this week, gay marriage became legal in Oregon and Pennsylvania. Half of Americans rejoiced; got married, and felt the swelling of their hearts, congratulating friends and family members, feeling hope for the future of mankind, while the other half rotted away in dark rooms, muttering expletives to themselves and watching their genitalia shrivel.

North Dakota is now the only state with an unchallenged ban on gay marriage. The reason cited for this was because no one actually lives in North Dakota.

During a city council meeting in Saginaw, Michigan, Councilman Dan Fitzpatrick compared homosexuals to Nazis. The council met to debate whether or not there should be a ban in their city against discrimination towards LBTQ employees and shoppers at local businesses. Fitzpatrick said, "In 1933, there was a real big youth movement in Germany called the party of National Socialists. A lot of people said, 'You know, I don't like [him]. I don't know. I don't understand. But man [he's] good for business.'" Fitzpatrick didn't know that that's exactly what the employees say at "TNT Gay Health Club" when he walks through the door.

On Foxnews.com this week, a two-paragraph article was published, titled, "Sarah Silverman is Embarrassed to Admit She Never Had an Abortion." The article was actually about Sarah Silverman talking about the fundraiser she put together in Texas, "to provide finding to asset women who need to travel 10 hours from their homes to get safe, affordable abortions." Later that day, Frankfurt the Fox intern discovered that "Matt Wilstein," the author of this article, was actually just a drunk chimp wearing a green visor.

One Step At a Time

Homophobia never sleeps- not even on Mother's Day. Evangelical author Christine Weick in Michigan spent Mother's Day holding a sign on a busy intersection saying, "Thank your mom today for not being gay." While a cameraperson from a local news station was filming her, another woman threw a slushie on her sign, then flipped her off after Weick threatened to pepper spray her. "That's my girl," said Christine Weick's mother, probably somewhere watching "the TV" with a Marlboro Light dangling from her lips, submerged in 500 cat statues.

A Kansas City woman who ran food distribution to the hungry for her church, was asked to resign this week after the church discovered she was married to another woman. She was "outed" after the Kansas City Star did a profile on her and the church's food pantry. "Oy vey," sighed Jesus Christ, watching all of this.

Bigots everywhere have been blowing up all over the internet this week after watching two hunky athletes smooch. The infamous ESPN ad came out recently, showing Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend upon discovering he got drafted to the NFL, to the St. Louis Rams. "Man u got little kids lookin at that draft," tweeted former Super Bowl champ Derrick Ward, in response to the ESPN ad. "I can't believe ESPN even allowed that to happen." "Oh, honey, not everyone is as much of an asshole as you," cooed Ward's mother, whilst stroking his oily hair.

Apparently, doctors aren't talking to teens, the most uneducated sexually active portion of the population, about sex. According to research published this week in JAMA Pediatrics, thirty-six seconds is the average amount of time physicians spend talking to teen patients about sex. This explains why teen boys get confused when their girlfriends get pregnant after they've been using banana peels as condoms.

This week in not sex, a New Jersey church group hosted a Mormon prom for teenagers around the state, for a "celebration of modesty." The event was free, as long as the attendees signed a pact that they would "dress modestly, dance appropriately, and abstain from alcohol or drugs." "Fuck that," said the rest of America's teens.

This Week in Stupid

A man in England had an "accidental vasectomy" this week. Upon going in for a minor urological operation, this anonymous man was given a vasectomy, without his permission or knowledge. His lawyer estimates that he'll receive around $170,000 (US) in compensation. "We have apologized to the patient and we are offering our full support," said the medical director, Dr. Peter Williams. "I think being 'supportive' means not taking away my ability to reproduce, you fucking morons," said the recently vasectomized man. 

Earlier in the week, a Kansas City high school teacher accidentally showed a pornographic image on his projector screen to one of his biology classes. One student took a photo of it, then sent it to her boyfriend, asking what she should do. He then sent it to his friends, and a few days later, the photo ended up on Facebook, which lead to the girl and her boyfriend being suspended from school, on the grounds of "inappropriate use of electronics." Little did the school know that actually the most inappropriate use of electronics is to show an enlarged photo of a woman flashing her vagina to a room full of high school students. 

This week, May 4-11, was "Clitoris Awareness Week," bringing awareness to the clitoris and beyond. 

A new law is being proposed in New York state legislature that would make it illegal for police officers to confiscate condoms. In the past, police officers who discovered citizens carrying condoms, especially in large quantities, deemed them as potentially being involved in prostitution, and would often confiscate them. This law was instated because everyone knows the quickest way to eliminate prostitution is to take away a prostitute's condoms. Then they'll have to run down to the convenience store, buy some more, and the whole moment's totally ruined.

"Choose Purity," an abstinence-only event took place in Las Vegas this week, sponsored by their Police Department. The event extolled the idea to teens and their parents that premarital sex will lead to drugs, prostitution, and eventually death. Then the teens and parents walked outside and realized they were in FUCKING VEGAS.

Loren Parks is a sex hypnotist in Nevada, who has often been described as one of the "largest political donors in Oregon's history," donating to Super PACs to attempt to get Oregon to vote Republican for the Senate. This week, the Taxpayers of Oregon PAC (that Parks just donated $50,000 to) came out with the polls that Monica Wehby, a moderate running for state rep that opposes "Obamacare," was up by 21 points; a figure the Oregonian called "questionable." 
Parks' YouTube channel mostly consists of trying to heal people's sexual maladies via hypnosis. On an old personal website, Parks boasted that he could hypnotize women into being "sex machines." This, in fact, was not true; that day he'd hypnotized himself into thinking he was James Brown. In reality, he has never been able to make a women orgasm, because he looks like a melting clay pot.

White House, Black Market

After Vice President Joe Biden's speech on sexual assault and rape, the white house has launched a "1 is 2 Many" campaign, geared towards eliminating sexual assault on college campuses. In the video, Benecio del Toro, Steve Carrell, Dule Hill, Daniel Craig, Joe Biden, and Barack Obama explain that it's actually not okay to sexually assault women. This will definitely work because public service announcements always fix problems.

Alongside the public service announcements, this week the White House came out with new guidelines for college campuses to protect students in cases of sexual assault and abuse. This has lead to 55 colleges now entangled in sexual assault investigations. After facing pressure from the white house and activists, the US Department of Education has released the names of all the colleges and universities under investigation, which could, for the first time in history, lead to federal funding cuts to schools who have violated Title IX, the gender equity law. This has lead to a new campaign on college campuses; "Don't Scratch my Snatch." 

Illinois state representative Keith Farnham, who resigned last month due to "serious health issues," was federally busted for child porn. Farnham used a phony e-mail account, often on a state-owned computer. The FBI found evidence that in a web chat, the 66-year-old boasted, "12 is about as old as I can handle...I love them at 6,7,8." "Fuck," said the nation's Democrats, slapping their hands against their foreheads.

During the National Day of Prayer event this week, rep. Janice Hahn of California walked out during a speech by James Dobson, founder of "Focus on Family," when he called Obama, the "abortion president." Dobson also read an excerpt from a letter he had sent to thousands of people, saying, "The Creator will not hold us guiltless if we turn a deaf ear to the cries of innocent babies." "Is that what we're calling Republicans now?" said The Creator.

According to a new study published in the Journal of Men and Masculinities, 98 percent of all the white, college-aged male athletes polled have slept in the same bed as another guy, while 93 percent have spooned or cuddled with another man. According to the study's co-author, Mark McCormack, straight men are "much softer" than men of prior generations. "It's probably the pot," sighed all 20-something women.