Mid-East Mayhem

Palestinian authorities legalized online dating this week, dubbing it "unavoidable." Dating will only be allowed if all parties follow the moral code of Shari'a law. The woman must not disclose too much information about herself, cannot post a photo of herself, must arrive with a chaperone from her family, and marriage must be the sole purpose for the date. This is only part of what makes "Blind Date: Palestine" one of the worst shows ever.

Former GOP presidential nominee Rick Perry, who earlier this year signed a 20-week abortion ban into law, had to correct a statement made by his wife, Anita Perry, who said abortion was a "woman's right." "That could be a woman’s right, just like it’s a man’s right if he wants to have some kind of procedure," Anita Perry said to newspaper editor Evan Smith in Austin on September 28th. "From time to time we’ll stick the wrong word in the wrong place, and you pounce upon it," Rick Perry told reporters at a campaign event, days after. He continued on to say, "Oh, haha, did I say 'word'? I meant 'penis.'"

A Pennsylvania pastor will be forced to stand trial for his Methodist panel for officiating his gay son's wedding. Reverend Frank Schaeffer officiated his son's ceremony in Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal, in 2006. Marrying same-sex couples is apparently in violation of the church's law book, The Book of Discipline. This is also incidentally the title for a potty training book, a bondage and fetish guide, a police academy handbook, and the rule log for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Four ex-employees from the women's networking group, the National Association of Professional Women, are suing the group for sexual harassment. The four women accused their manager, Krissy L. DeMonte, of pinching their butts, calling them names, and touching them inappropriately. After the women filed complaints in their workplace, they were either fired or forced to resign. Those that stayed had docked paychecks. Though the trial could hurt the company, in light of the recent accusations, DeMonte has landed a spot on the next installment of "Managers Gone Wild."

This weekend, Saudi women activists garnered increasing support for their day of defiance on October 26th, to protest the ban on women driving. Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan, a judicial adviser to an association of Gulf psychologists, told sabq.org, "If a woman drives a car, not out of pure necessity, that could have negative physiological impacts as functional and physiological medical studies show that it automatically affects the ovaries and pushes the pelvis upwards. That is why we find those who regularly drive have children with clinical problems of varying degrees." Unsurprisingly, he has no medical studies to back up his claims, and puts two tabs of acid in his "Kuhl-Ayd" every morning. 

France's Senate recently voted to ban beauty pageants for children under 16, citing that they promote sexualization of minors. Under the law, anyone who enters their child or themselves into a pageant below the legal age would be persecuted under the law. Banned pageant activities include: acting out "Jules et Jim," laughing snootily, baguette-sword fighting, and competing to see who can be more thin and droll.   

 LETTER OF THE WEEK
This week, a grandfather wrote to his daughter who had disowned his grandson for being gay.

 

Hotcocks and Apps

British man Daniel Cooper was recently arrested for drunkenly trying to have sex with a car. Witnesses spotted him earlier in the evening, simulating sex on the floor of a kebob shop, bumping and grinding against the counter, and peeing in the street. He was finally arrested upon mounting a blue 4x4 Land Rover Discovery. Said Cooper in his defense, "But it has 4-wheel drive!"

A recent study out of the University of Illinois has found that girls are committing dating violence as much as boys. The study followed 625 students in grades 5 through 7, following them for four years, tracking their physical and emotional abuse between partners. "Dating violence" partly consisted of keeping track of dating partners, and any sort of physical abuse acts, such as slapping and biting.

North Carolina governor Pat McCory, who signed a restrictive abortion bill into law at the end of July, offered up a plate of cookies to a group of predominately female demonstrators outside of his mansion this week. McCory went outside the gates, offering the group cookies, saying, "These are for you. God bless you, God bless you, God bless you." Originally he planned to bring them a cake saying "Sorry I control your uterus," but it had just been so long since he'd had oatmeal raisin. 

According to an article on livescience.com, nearly 1 in 10 Americans have used their Smartphone during sex.
Here are some of the news apps available to enhance your sex life:

"Spreadsheets" is an app designed to track your sexual performance, by how loud your sex is, duration, and average thrusts per minute. Because nothing is sexier than when a man stops having sex with you to make sure his phone is close enough to his penis.

"Kindu" collects answers from 600 questions about kinks and fetishes, and matches up which ones both partners have answered "definitely" or "open to discussion." This app may also be applied to whether or not you both want kids, or want to be cremated.

The "Kahnoodle" app offers "push notifications to initiate sex," and reminds you to do thoughtful things for your partner. The app also reminds you where you met her and what her name is again.

Jerks, Twerks and Doobs

News

A study from seven years ago resurfaced on Thursday, showing men with older brothers are more likely to be homosexual. The study, conducted by a professor at Brock University in Ontario, found that each older brother a man has raises his chances of homosexuality by a third, bumping up from 3% with the third son to 6% with the fourth. An abstract from the study summarized the research: "Only biological older brothers, and not any other sibling characteristic, including nonbiological older brothers, predicted men's sexual orientation, regardless of the amount of time reared with these siblings." "Are we sure 'reared' is the best word choice here, doc?" said the professor's aid.

Planting Peace, the anti-hate organization that set up shop in a rainbow-colored house across the street from the hateful fucks at Westboro Baptist Church, is set to host a drag show fundraiser. The "Drag Down Bigotry" walk-a-thon will march in drag all around Westboro Baptist, raising money for Planting Peace's pursuit of equality. The event is already expected to be more well-attended than any of Westboro's fundraisers, including the Fred Phelps' Players holiday review, "How the Jews Stole Christmas."
 
According to USA Today, today's teens are having less sex. Teen births reached an all-time low in 2012, for all racial and ethnic groups. The birthrate for teens dropped 6% from 2011 to 2012, from 31 births per 1,000 teens to 29 births. Bill Albert, a spokesperson for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, cited the reason for the drop in teen births being "more contraception and less sex." "That's not by choice," said America's acne-ridden teens in their basements, lit only by the glare of Call of Duty mirroring off their oil-slicked faces.

Jerk of the Week

Pastor and right-wing radio talk show host Kevin Swanson went off about the Gresham, Oregon bakery that rejected a lesbian's couple's wedding cake order that's garnered national media attention. On his show, he ordered Christians attending same-sex weddings to hold up signs for the newlyweds saying that say they're an "abomination" and "should be put to death."  

http://www.flickr.com/photos/litlnemo/4786397132/sizes/z/in/photostream/

 

Twerks of the Week

 Ew, What?

A group of naked people covered in body paint stood outside DKNY in New York City on Sunday morning, presumably to commemorate fashion week. Said one Twitter follower Laurie Trott, "That's a lot of penis for a Sunday Morning!" Laurie Trott's friends say she usually prefers her penises in the evening, before supper.

"Hardcore Sex Acts"

Liz Cheney, a Republican running for the US Senate seat in Wyoming, and daughter of ex-vice president and spooky ghoul Dick Cheney, wants to set the record "straight:" she is NOT okay with gay marriage. Her opponent, senator Mike Enzi, has started his campaign by hiring surveyors to ask Wyomans whether or not they were "aware that Liz Cheney supports abortion and aggressively promotes gay marriage." Cheney has publicly responded by saying "I am strongly pro-life and NOT pro gay-marriage. I believe the issue of marriage must be decided by the states, and by the people in the states, not by judges and even by legislators, but by the people themselves." Liz Cheney is the daughter of ex-Vice President Dick Cheney, and sister of Mary Cheney, an out, married lesbian, and proponent of gay rights, making for yet another awkward Cheney Thanksgiving.

Alex Wilson, a transgendered nursing student at a Florida technical college, was forced by her school to use a storage closet with no lock as her bathroom. Pinellas Technical Education Center had no problem with Wilson using the women's restroom, until another student ratted her out to the school. PTEC offered her two options: use the men's restroom, or a storage closet separate from campus, threatening Wilson with a lawsuit if she didn't comply. One school representative explained, "it would just make us all feel more like men if this student shat in a bucket off campus."

Officers made multiple arrests this weekend at a "drug-fueled sex party" at a Battle Creek, Michigan Masonic Temple. When cops first walked in, they witnessed "a couple performing a lewd sex act, along with drugs, multiple nude women and men videotaping it all behind closed doors." Multiple arrests were made on the scene. Residents of Battle Creek were reportedly perturbed that they weren't invited.  
 
Though in past weeks we've seen the lighter side of Pat Robertson, he's back to his usual shenanigans this week. In a recent episode of the 700 Club, a nurse called in asking about AIDS transmission. "You know what they do in San Francisco?" Robertson replied. "Some in the gay community there, they want to get people. So if they got the stuff they'll have a ring, you shake hands and the ring's got a little thing where you cut your finger."  Robertson reportedly had a similar experience when he used to cruise the Castro district, before his face started looking like his ass.

North Korean dictator and Cabbage Patch doll Kim Jong-Un ordered his pop star ex-girlfriend to be publicly murdered after discovering a sex tape she made with her band members. Singer Hyon Son-Wol dated Un ten years ago, until father Kim Jong-Il forced the two to separate. Since then, they've been rumored to have an affair. This makes reason number 1,987,576 not to vacation in North Korea.

In other sex tape news, Pippi Longstocking star Tami Erin appeared in a sex tape that's now circulating around the internet. The "hardcore flick" was shot last month, and it's unclear if anyone is interested in purchasing it. Though Erin denies she had anything to do with it, sources say this was just a rehearsal for Erin's upcoming film "Penis Longcockings,"  which will also be the first film Erin will have made that anyone will actually watch. 

"Priests," Prostitues, and Putin

Russian Television's usual cheery news broadcast was interrupted this week by reporter James Kirchick. Kirchick was invited on to discuss the Bradley Manning sentencing, when he went rogue. "I'm not really interested in talking about Bradley Manning," Kirckchick responded to RTV's correspondents. "I'm interested in talking about the horrific environment of homophobia in Russia right now. And that we are not going to be silent in the face of this repression that is perpetrated by your paymasters, by Vladimir Putin." He also questioned how the host could sleep at night while other journalists in Russia are being harassed and tortured. Responded one Russian TV correspondent after shrugging, "Why you think we drink so much, dawg? Half of us still think STALIN was a good leader."

The American Family Association's Bryan Fischer hit the airwaves with more of his usual anti-gay sentiments, this time in defense of Texas councilwoman Elisa Chan's recent comments about how homosexuality is "disgusting." Fischer backed up Chan by adding, "I would guarantee you that 90 percent of the American people, if they would stop and actually think about what happens in homosexual behavior, they would find it disgusting." "If  by 'homosexual behavior' you mean 'you,' then yes, we find it disgusting," said 90 percent of America.

A local South Carolina idiot recently paid a prostitute for sex in quarters. After questioning, square-headed Larry Collum told officers he had sex with known local prostitute Rhonda Kelley solely for a roll of quarters. Collum will be charged with solicitation of prostitution, while Kelley will be charged with prostitution. Kelly's lawyer will defend her on the grounds that it was "laundry week."

Executive director of "Priests for Life" (and actual non-priest) Janet Morana spoke her mind on Fox News to discuss the recent murder of an Australian teen in Oklahoma. As has been the recent trend, those residing somewhere in the far right (out of their minds) have been using all the murders in America as a chance to correlate abortion with murder. Morana fell in these footsteps, saying, "These kids are survivors. They could have been aborted. And that's a fact. They're post-Roe v Wade, and therefore there's a thing called 'survivor syndrome.' There's a psychiatrist up in Canada, Dr. Philip Ney, has studied this for decades and shown the effect. Just the fact that you could have been aborted can affect you as a survivor of Roe v Wade." "I wish I could've aborted you," said Morana's mother while watching her on Fox News, in her dimly-let credenza, swirls of crack smoke wafting above her.  

With more and more abortion clinics being shut down due to cuts in government funding (a la Republican congresspeople in most states), doctors are turning to hospitals to provide abortion services. A group of medical professors is responding to the slow annihilation of most American abortion clinics by working with hospitals so that they'll provide abortions. Currently, hospitals provide only 4% of abortions, though 97% of OBGYNs have met with women seeking abortions. As an increasing number of doctors are young and female, there are more doctors willing to fight against the current "regressive" political climate than ever before. "As long as my Koch check comes in the mail, anyone can abort anything wherever they want," said America's "pro-life" congressmen.  

Cake and Legal Prostitues

The Swiss government plans to open up their first sex drive-in in Zurich on August 26th. In an effort to reduce sex trafficking and rampant prostitution all over the city, these drive-in style "boxes" will be solely located in the city center. Much like a car wash, drivers will drive along a marked area, where 40 prostitues will be stationed, ready to negotiate pricing. Boxes will be equipped with emergency buttons, and security guards and social workers will be on-hand. "Fuck this shit, I'm moving to Switzerland," said all of America's prostitutes. 

 A recent Greek study discovered that adults that have sex more than 4 times a week earn 5% more than those that don't. Having frequent and regular sex often correlates to happiness and healthiness, two factors in workplace performance. "Bull-shit," said Cindi in sales, who recently got fired for doing it on her desk.

A lesbian couple filed a complaint this week against the Gresham, Oregon bakery, "Sweet Cakes by Melissa," which is now under investigation. In January, Rachel Cryer had an appointment with Aaron Klein, one of the bakery's owners, to discuss a cake order for her upcoming wedding to her lesbian partner. When Klein discovered the cake was for a same-sex wedding, he denied their business, claiming, "A man should leave his mother and father and cling to his wife... that to me is the beginning of marriage." Gresham has garnered so much media attention from this incident that they're thinking of changing the sign to "Welcome to Gresham- where you can have your cake, but not Edith, too." 

Texas Councilwoman and ardent homophobe Elisa Chan got punk'd this week- though it was not by Ashton Kutcher, but by her former aide James Stevens. Stevens released a secret audiotape to the San Antonio Express-News that he had recorded during one of Chan's private city hall meetings, to discuss how to prevent an upcoming city-wide non-discrimination ordinance. In the tape, Chan discusses such topics as how same-sex marriage could lead to incest and bestiality, how same-sex couples "should be banned from adoption," and how homosexuality is "disgusting to even think about." Other things that Chan finds disgusting are rainbows, sunsets, Mexicans, hugs, and all the Whos down in Whoville.

In an effort to be the least knowledgeable, most tactless news reporters in the biz, "Fox [News] and Friends" recently discussed their outrage at California's new transgendered teenager bill, that will allow transgendered teens to use bathrooms at school that fit their gender identity. Fox's Gretchen Carlson said in response, "Can you imagine now the boys wanna go into the girls bathroom and the girls wanna go into the boys bathroom and they can just say, 'Oh I was transgender for the moment.'" Carlson then peeled off her Maybelline-laden face to reveal Emperor Palpatine, cackling, "I'M the new face of the Republican party!"

 

Popes and Potatoes

It seems from week to week, politics are entering our bedrooms at the speed of one-thousand ejaculatory sperm. Here's what happened this week in the name of sex:

After an Irish woman died at a hospital who denied her care out of fear of breaking Ireland's anti-abortion law, Irish president and elderly leprechaun Michael D. Higgins signed a new abortion law into effect. The law states that abortion is now allowed only when a woman's life is at risk. Ireland's current anti-abortion law has been handed down from British law in 1867, sentencing a woman to life imprisonment for obtaining an abortion. "The law makes sense for us, because nothing has changed since 1867," said Irish resident Mary Catherine Dargan, fastening her girdle and hitching a ride back to the Diggings for some Bark Juice. 

The Library of Congress

Some of us know Pat Robertson as that shriveled up old raisin who freaks us out when we're stoned and watching ABC Family at 1 in the morning. Others believe him to be their magic Jesus 8 ball, much like a recent caller on Robertson's show, "700 Club." The caller asked how they should feel about their two transsexual co-workers in the eyes of God. Robertson replied, "I think there are men who are in a woman's body...Or women that are in men's bodies -- and they want a sex change. That is a very permanent thing, it's a radical procedure. I don't think there's any sin associated with that. I don't condemn somebody for doing that." After saying that, Robertson's co-host's head suddenly started spinning and smoking and ejaculating green slime all over Robertson's Armani suit.

CBN/Facebook

In March, North Dakota passed bill 2305, which mandated that doctors performing abortions at North Dakota's ONLY abortion clinic have admitting privileges at a hospital within 30 miles. This has made abortion in North Dakota near-impossible, as the clinic frequently has to fly in physicians from other states, as North Dakota is as populated as a Bible Study group orgy. Judge Wickham Corwin, the Judge who put a temporary block on this bill, wrote in his ruling that “A woman’s right to choose is one of the inalienable freedoms guaranteed by the first section of our constitution.” "Where were you in March?" Said North Dakota's unhappily pregnant women.

According to a Chinese medical research group, condoms aren't just for balloon animals anymore. Researchers at Beijing Friendship Hospital discovered the population of lactobacillus, bacteria in the vagina that helps maintain a healthy pH balance, was far more present in the group of women using condoms as their primary source of birth control, compared to those using IUDs, and the "rhythm method." When this study was performed in America, it was especially unnerving for researchers to learn that Americans engaging in the "rhythm method" mostly thought it meant having sex to R. Kelly.

http://www.eurweb.com/2012/11/r-kelly-revives-trapped-in-the-closet-series-he-aint-tired-yet/r-kelly-2012-takeover-2/

 In an interview with a news conference, Pope Francis has decided that being gay doesn't suck that bad after all. "Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord? You can't marginalize these people." The pontiff continued on to say that women, however, couldn't be ordained as priests, because the discussion had been closed by Pope John Paul II, who had won the rock-paper-scissors-Pope tournament that week, and Francis wasn't about to get all caught up in that shit again.