"Hardcore Sex Acts"

Liz Cheney, a Republican running for the US Senate seat in Wyoming, and daughter of ex-vice president and spooky ghoul Dick Cheney, wants to set the record "straight:" she is NOT okay with gay marriage. Her opponent, senator Mike Enzi, has started his campaign by hiring surveyors to ask Wyomans whether or not they were "aware that Liz Cheney supports abortion and aggressively promotes gay marriage." Cheney has publicly responded by saying "I am strongly pro-life and NOT pro gay-marriage. I believe the issue of marriage must be decided by the states, and by the people in the states, not by judges and even by legislators, but by the people themselves." Liz Cheney is the daughter of ex-Vice President Dick Cheney, and sister of Mary Cheney, an out, married lesbian, and proponent of gay rights, making for yet another awkward Cheney Thanksgiving.

Alex Wilson, a transgendered nursing student at a Florida technical college, was forced by her school to use a storage closet with no lock as her bathroom. Pinellas Technical Education Center had no problem with Wilson using the women's restroom, until another student ratted her out to the school. PTEC offered her two options: use the men's restroom, or a storage closet separate from campus, threatening Wilson with a lawsuit if she didn't comply. One school representative explained, "it would just make us all feel more like men if this student shat in a bucket off campus."

Officers made multiple arrests this weekend at a "drug-fueled sex party" at a Battle Creek, Michigan Masonic Temple. When cops first walked in, they witnessed "a couple performing a lewd sex act, along with drugs, multiple nude women and men videotaping it all behind closed doors." Multiple arrests were made on the scene. Residents of Battle Creek were reportedly perturbed that they weren't invited.  
 
Though in past weeks we've seen the lighter side of Pat Robertson, he's back to his usual shenanigans this week. In a recent episode of the 700 Club, a nurse called in asking about AIDS transmission. "You know what they do in San Francisco?" Robertson replied. "Some in the gay community there, they want to get people. So if they got the stuff they'll have a ring, you shake hands and the ring's got a little thing where you cut your finger."  Robertson reportedly had a similar experience when he used to cruise the Castro district, before his face started looking like his ass.

North Korean dictator and Cabbage Patch doll Kim Jong-Un ordered his pop star ex-girlfriend to be publicly murdered after discovering a sex tape she made with her band members. Singer Hyon Son-Wol dated Un ten years ago, until father Kim Jong-Il forced the two to separate. Since then, they've been rumored to have an affair. This makes reason number 1,987,576 not to vacation in North Korea.

In other sex tape news, Pippi Longstocking star Tami Erin appeared in a sex tape that's now circulating around the internet. The "hardcore flick" was shot last month, and it's unclear if anyone is interested in purchasing it. Though Erin denies she had anything to do with it, sources say this was just a rehearsal for Erin's upcoming film "Penis Longcockings,"  which will also be the first film Erin will have made that anyone will actually watch.